More Than This

I've been thinking about Life lately.

Though it's true I've had some extra time on my hands since Train Simulator 2 was cancelled, it's not simply an effort to fill the spaces between gazing upon my navel and crushing boxes of Thin Mints. See, I've been job hunting-- something I've only had to do twice in my life-- and I've discovered that there are an awful lot of jobs out there I have no interest in doing.

Before I come off sounding like a patrician snob turning my nose up at jobs best left to the unwashed masses, I should establish a couple of parameters. I am an extremely fortunate individual for reasons too many to enumerate, but I'll pick off a few:

• I was born and live in the United States where, despite the massive economic stinkpit we're currently in, people have a leg up over our fellow humans in say, Darfur.
• I did well in school and have never struggled to learn new things.
• My parents provided a nurturing environment for my childhood, then paid for my Ivy League education.
• My "trade" is software development, and my services have been in demand for my entire working career.
• I am relatively healthy and well-off.
• My wife works for Microsoft and earns an enviable wage for her efforts.

Like I said, there are others, but at some point it sounds less like disclaiming and more like bragging, so I'll stop there. The point is I want to talk about self-actualization-- what some people think of as the tip Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, way above food, water, shelter, and dignity.

Back to job hunting. I been working in the computer game industry for the last few years. Computer games are something I enjoy immensely. Always have. Working on computer games is actually more fun than playing them because there is tremendous satisfaction in being the wizard behind the veil who makes the magic happen. Where a game player sees his character jumping onto a platform or a ship exploding into brilliant particles of light, I see the math behind the calculation of the power curve of the jump or the team effort that it took to bring together art, sound, light, and code to make the thing go boom. I love(d) what I do did.

So when Microsoft informed me that my studio was being shuttered and everyone in it laid off, I wasn't worried. I knew there were other opportunities to work on games in Seattle, either inside Microsoft or without. I wanted to continue serving in the same kind of leadership position I'd had on Train Simulator, where I was the Lead Engineer, not because I thought I somehow deserved it but rather because I know myself well enough to know I'm a better leader and manager than I am a coder.

I interviewed for several jobs, three of which I wanted and would have enjoyed doing, and two I didn't really want but felt like I should do as a hedge against unemployment. Some groups I eschewed entirely because they weren’t in games or they didn’t look like teams I would gel with. I didn't get an offer for any of the three I wanted, and I turned down the two "safety jobs".

Monday I handed in my Microsoft badge. I am officially unemployed. Laid off. I am also at a crossroads. One part of me looks at my current status and sees freedom-- freedom to do the things I couldn't do when I was committed to working for one company on one product of someone else's vision. Freedom to make a silly game or a serious game or a short film; freedom to try my hand at another startup; freedom to completely redefine who I am and what I do for a living. The other part of me misses the substantial income and the freedom that it offers. These are difficult times. Who in their right mind would voluntarily forgo a high-paid, steady job when there's so much uncertainty out there? Time enough for self-actualization when the kids have graduated from college. Right?

Maybe.

My parents both died when they were young, from things that could easily be hereditary. So when I think about my life span I don’t think about retiring at 60 or 70 then enjoying another 20 or 30 “golden years.” I feel like I’ll be lucky to if I make it to 50. The clock is ticking and it’s getting louder every day.

For better or worse, I’m not someone who believes in God and Heaven and all that. Frankly, I wish I did because it would provide some comforting answers to a number of difficult questions I have. I also don’t believe that there has to be any intrinsic meaning to our existence. No Master Plan. No fate. Nada. We’re born. We do stuff. We die. Beginning, middle, end.

So, I’m an existential Nihilist, then. Yes?

Not quite. While I don’t believe your life is imbued with meaning due to its mere existence, I think we have the opportunity to create our own meaning through our choices. Some simple, like whether to be kind or mean to someone who wrongs us. Others more complex, like whether to exchange your life for wages at a job that you don’t love. How cheaply are you willing to sell yourself? Will you turn a trick for an easy payout, or do you choose the more difficult and risky journey of seeking your muse then following her to the ends of the earth?

I honestly don’t know how I will answer that question. I’ve just been cast out from the gilded castle, with a sizeable severance in my pocket and lofty goals in my mind. I have yet to take a single step on that journey to follow my muse. Maybe it’ll be a quick trip that takes me right back to making games. Maybe it’ll be something else entirely. Who knows? I certainly don’t, and it would be foolish of me to claim otherwise. I don’t know what it’s like to be truly hungry or destitute. I don’t know how my feelings as a provider for my family will overpower my desire for self-actualization. I don’t know what “my price” is.

One thing I know is this. Nobody on their death bed ever said they wished they’d spent more time in front of a computer screen.