Another day, another grave

I had all but forgotten that I had this thing. These days blogging is somewhat passe, but if you want the scoop on what I'm up to these days head over to the blog for my indie game company, citizen12 studio.

3 Minute Masterpiece

I decided to enter the 3 Minute Masterpiece contest.  I didn’t have much time between my return from Hawaii and the deadline (6 days).  Not only did I have to get myself a new camcorder, but I also had to plan, shoot, cut, and put visual f/x together. I couldn’t have done it without my family’s support.

I really wasn’t sure if I could pull it together in 6 days.  It took probably close to 40 hours of effort, all told, to shoot and cut a 3-minute piece.  I feel for those folks out there who do this every week for a 46-minute show.  Of course, they’re pros and I’m just a newbie.

It’s not everything I had hoped for, but I think it’s pretty good.  Here it is.  You can also see the HD version on YouTube.

The End of Lies?

I have MPD, and so do I.

Ha ha.  Old joke, yes, but there’s a new twist.  I’m starting to think the age of personae is coming to an end, due largely to the fact that the Internet and social networks have made the world a smaller place.  The problem is that some of these networks are starting to overlap in a way that has never happened before.

When you’re in the context of a particular social network or circle, you behave a certain way.  You say things in one setting that you might not say in another.  This is the definition of the “social mask” or persona.  Here are a few of my personae:

1. (former) Microsoft manager
2. Creative Writer
3. Wannabe filmmaker
4. Super Daddy
5. Husband
6. Friend
7. facebook user
8. XBox Live player
9. Blogger
10. Anonymous Seattle-ite

There are others.  Depending on what social context I’m in I unconsciously slip into one of these personae.  So do you.  It is an effortless thing humans have been doing since we had human relations.  Lately, though, it’s been been getting harder.  I’ve had to place additional filters and checks on what I say.  Specifically, it’s getting harder to lie.  For this, I blame facebook.  I’m not talking about serious lies (at least not as far as you know).  I’m thinking more of the lies we tell that are “variations on the truth.” 

Here’s a really simple example.  For reasons I won’t go into, some people know me as “James” and others know me as “Jamie.”  When I introduce myself, I call myself one or the other depending on a complex set of heuristics that even I don’t fully comprehend.  I’ve been doing this for the better part of 15 years and the only time it’s caused confusion was when someone I met in one social context transitioned into another (e.g. co-worker to friend). 

Lately, though, there’s been an explosion of confusion as people I have met in various social contexts have become my facebook friends.  Usually what happens is someone on facebook will refer to me as “Jamie”, causing someone who has only ever known me as “James” to do a double-take.  Then that person starts calling me “Jamie” in a social context where I am known as “James” and pretty soon I got a lot of ‘splainin to do! 

A more unsettling example has to do with my recent change of employment status.  Again, variations on the truth.  In some social contexts, it’s enough to say I was laid off.  In others, though, I feel it’s more appropriate to avoid the stigma of saying “laid off” and just say “I left Microsoft.”  Which is true?  Well, both.  I might not mind one of my friends knowing those details, but it’s something I’d rather not discuss with, say, my mortgage broker (hope you’re not reading this, Kathy!).

Maybe this is all for the best.  Maybe it’s a good thing to do away with all our personae in favor of sharing our “true selves” with all our social circles.  It’s risky, though, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.  Do I really want a prospective employer checking out my profile and learning how much I <heart> kittens and Battlestar Galactica?  Of course I could just abandon facebook and go back to the old ways, but there’s a lot of benefit in keeping up with your friends and acquaintances.  For now, I’ll just see if I can be a little more… consistent in my interpretations of “the truth”.

More Than This

I've been thinking about Life lately.

Though it's true I've had some extra time on my hands since Train Simulator 2 was cancelled, it's not simply an effort to fill the spaces between gazing upon my navel and crushing boxes of Thin Mints. See, I've been job hunting-- something I've only had to do twice in my life-- and I've discovered that there are an awful lot of jobs out there I have no interest in doing.

Before I come off sounding like a patrician snob turning my nose up at jobs best left to the unwashed masses, I should establish a couple of parameters. I am an extremely fortunate individual for reasons too many to enumerate, but I'll pick off a few:

• I was born and live in the United States where, despite the massive economic stinkpit we're currently in, people have a leg up over our fellow humans in say, Darfur.
• I did well in school and have never struggled to learn new things.
• My parents provided a nurturing environment for my childhood, then paid for my Ivy League education.
• My "trade" is software development, and my services have been in demand for my entire working career.
• I am relatively healthy and well-off.
• My wife works for Microsoft and earns an enviable wage for her efforts.

Like I said, there are others, but at some point it sounds less like disclaiming and more like bragging, so I'll stop there. The point is I want to talk about self-actualization-- what some people think of as the tip Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, way above food, water, shelter, and dignity.

Back to job hunting. I been working in the computer game industry for the last few years. Computer games are something I enjoy immensely. Always have. Working on computer games is actually more fun than playing them because there is tremendous satisfaction in being the wizard behind the veil who makes the magic happen. Where a game player sees his character jumping onto a platform or a ship exploding into brilliant particles of light, I see the math behind the calculation of the power curve of the jump or the team effort that it took to bring together art, sound, light, and code to make the thing go boom. I love(d) what I do did.

So when Microsoft informed me that my studio was being shuttered and everyone in it laid off, I wasn't worried. I knew there were other opportunities to work on games in Seattle, either inside Microsoft or without. I wanted to continue serving in the same kind of leadership position I'd had on Train Simulator, where I was the Lead Engineer, not because I thought I somehow deserved it but rather because I know myself well enough to know I'm a better leader and manager than I am a coder.

I interviewed for several jobs, three of which I wanted and would have enjoyed doing, and two I didn't really want but felt like I should do as a hedge against unemployment. Some groups I eschewed entirely because they weren’t in games or they didn’t look like teams I would gel with. I didn't get an offer for any of the three I wanted, and I turned down the two "safety jobs".

Monday I handed in my Microsoft badge. I am officially unemployed. Laid off. I am also at a crossroads. One part of me looks at my current status and sees freedom-- freedom to do the things I couldn't do when I was committed to working for one company on one product of someone else's vision. Freedom to make a silly game or a serious game or a short film; freedom to try my hand at another startup; freedom to completely redefine who I am and what I do for a living. The other part of me misses the substantial income and the freedom that it offers. These are difficult times. Who in their right mind would voluntarily forgo a high-paid, steady job when there's so much uncertainty out there? Time enough for self-actualization when the kids have graduated from college. Right?

Maybe.

My parents both died when they were young, from things that could easily be hereditary. So when I think about my life span I don’t think about retiring at 60 or 70 then enjoying another 20 or 30 “golden years.” I feel like I’ll be lucky to if I make it to 50. The clock is ticking and it’s getting louder every day.

For better or worse, I’m not someone who believes in God and Heaven and all that. Frankly, I wish I did because it would provide some comforting answers to a number of difficult questions I have. I also don’t believe that there has to be any intrinsic meaning to our existence. No Master Plan. No fate. Nada. We’re born. We do stuff. We die. Beginning, middle, end.

So, I’m an existential Nihilist, then. Yes?

Not quite. While I don’t believe your life is imbued with meaning due to its mere existence, I think we have the opportunity to create our own meaning through our choices. Some simple, like whether to be kind or mean to someone who wrongs us. Others more complex, like whether to exchange your life for wages at a job that you don’t love. How cheaply are you willing to sell yourself? Will you turn a trick for an easy payout, or do you choose the more difficult and risky journey of seeking your muse then following her to the ends of the earth?

I honestly don’t know how I will answer that question. I’ve just been cast out from the gilded castle, with a sizeable severance in my pocket and lofty goals in my mind. I have yet to take a single step on that journey to follow my muse. Maybe it’ll be a quick trip that takes me right back to making games. Maybe it’ll be something else entirely. Who knows? I certainly don’t, and it would be foolish of me to claim otherwise. I don’t know what it’s like to be truly hungry or destitute. I don’t know how my feelings as a provider for my family will overpower my desire for self-actualization. I don’t know what “my price” is.

One thing I know is this. Nobody on their death bed ever said they wished they’d spent more time in front of a computer screen.

Just what I was looking for

Nick dug this up. It's a regularly-updated list of programming languages, ranked by popularity.

http://www.tiobe.com/index.php/content/paperinfo/tpci/index.html

Winds of change

They're a-blowin', but I don't know where they're a-going yet. I'm not ready to write the next chapter for what happened to me professionally after Aces was shut down.

I do, however, want to give a huge "thank you!" to Ron Moore for re-imagining Battlestar Galactica, then doing an incredible job of writing and producing some of the best TV I've ever seen. There are only three episodes left and I feel like I'm about to say goodbye to an old friend.

I can only hope smoking and drinking don't kill Moore before he comes out with something new...

Dude, I'm getting a Dell

Ordered a Dell Studio XPS 13 today ($1200, shipped). My last laptop was a Dell 600m, which did yeoman service for several years. It went through two hard drives and a mobo upgrade before finally overheating itself into a connectionless stupor.

Laptop with no wireless = doorstop, and really. At some point you just gotta let go.

I considered getting a MacBook but my primary use for the machine is Windows-based game development, which frankly has been kind of a pain in the butt on my first generation MacBook. The one-button track pad is espcially annoying on Windows.

We'll see how it goes.

All good things...

Earlier this week, the Aces game studio at MGS (of which I was a member) was shuttered.  Close to 140 people, including myself, were laid off from Microsoft.  

It's actually not quite as dire as it sounds.  At the same time they were shutting down Aces, MGS was busy opening up new positions in other game groups.  There were about 130 people in Aces, and not all of them will be able to slot in to the new positions, but a good number should be able to find new homes in relatively short order.

Feel odd being on "administrative leave."  I'm eager to find a new position and get back to work.

A Crude Awakening

I watched "A Crude Awakening" last night. I thought it was particularly interesting as seen through the lens of the current economic crisis. Many believe, as I do, that the War in Iraq is more about oil than it is about spreading democracy. We've basically spent ourselves into penury in an attempt to secure more oil for ourselves and sustain our prosperity, but we haven't been successful. Our economy is in shambles and we still don't control the oil.

So what's Plan B? "Drill, baby, drill?" Not likely.

We need to find or invent a new energy system, quick. Something that can keep our prosperity growing even when gas costs $100 per gallon. Thinking about war, poverty, terrorism, global warming, air pollution and many other ailments of the world, it seems like most if not all could be solved by switching to a clean, renewable, abundant energy source like solar.

The alternative is grim, especially for our kids.

A lot of smart people (Warren Buffett included), point out that over time the stock market has always gone up. But it seems like that is only true so long as we have cheap oil. If cheap energy becomes scarce, I suspect the stock market, along with world population and global trade, will "contract." The center cannot hold. Even if I'm not around when that happens, my kids probably will be. What can I do now to help them prepare?

Alice

From time to time, people have asked me what's the best way to teach their kids how to make video games.  Alice is something I learned about in the Randy Pausch lecture.  It looks pretty cool.  Even better, it can teach kids how to tell stories (and learn programming as a side-effect).

Randy Pausch's Last Lecture

I just watched the Randy Pausch Last Lecture. You want to know what makes a hero? 

Just watch this video.

Three Rings of Death

My Xbox 360 experienced the infamous Three Rings of Death last night, 2 years (to the day!) after I bought it. Having heard about quality issues when I bought it I opted for the Best Buy Product Replacement Plan. So I called Best Buy yesterday. They informed me that Microsoft would replace the unit because it had extended the warranty on all 360's that experience the Three Rings. I didn't think that sounded very fair to Microsoft since I had paid Best Buy $50 for their warranty. The customer service guy then said it didn't matter anyway because my extended warranty has expired the previous day.

*sigh*

Thinking of voting for McCain?

If you're at all interested in technology issues, you owe it to yourself to watch this video by Larry Lessig:



Interesting comments afterward, too, suggesting that maybe Lessig's numbers are off. Still, just his stance on Net Neutrality is enough to make any responsible technophile queasy.

Braid

Braid is the most innovative game I think I've ever seen. I started playing it last night and when I looked at the clock I couldn't believe it was 2AM. It's that engrossing. It's a visual feast, has a mysterious and engaging plot, and is just plain fun. Time is used not only as part of the narrative, but also part of the game play. You've got to play it to see what I mean. I haven't had this much fun since Portal.

I wish I had made this game.

I offer one hint-- Do NOT check out the walkthroughs on YouTube. It'll spoil the best plot twist since (again) Portal. If it seems there is a puzzle piece you can't reach, just keep in mind that the game has a non-linear story. You won't "finish" each level in turn as you would, say, Donkey Kong. OK, you can finish each level in sequence. Still, be careful about looking for clues. I made the mistake of poking around and it spoiled the ending for me.

Dinner Tonight

We had home-made broccoli and chicken calzones from the Best 30-Minute Recipe book tonight.  Thumbs up on the recipe and thumbs up on the 2004 Chateau St. Michelle Canoe Ridge Estate Horse Heaven Hills Cabernet Sauvignon we had with it.

It's as if it's trying to tell me something...

This error message from Windows Vista Backup speaks for itself.

Obama should be hammering on this nail

McCain and the economy. Great opinion piece in the NYT about McCain's complete economic ineptitude. Could it be that McCain would be as incompetent with our new American Crisis-- the economy-- as George W. Bush was with foreign policy and the "War on Terrah"?

Let us hope we don't have the opportunity to find out.

Cui bono?

Have you read this?

If not, go check it out. It's not just a rundown of what happened to Bear Stearns. It makes you wonder-- What if it was intentional? What if Bear imploded because someone(s) wanted it to implode? Why would someone want to take down Bear?

I've been thinking a lot about the markets recently. Oil up, dollar down, inflation up, housing prices down, foreclosures up, stock market down. It seems more amplified now than ever before in my lifetime (and I remember the 70's oil shortage). It's all connected, thanks to the efficiency of computers. Think you understand how it all works? Read this then come back and tell me you still think you understand.

Most people believe that the markets are too efficient to be gamed or manipulated; that it's impossible to time it or consistently better the returns without running afoul of insider trading laws. It's all just risk and reward.

But over the last 20 years a whole class of professionals has sprung up-- investment bankers. By all accounts the sharp ones make obscene amounts of money. They're the ones who dreamed up the Collateralized Debt Objects that wrapped risky mortgages in what appeared to be low-risk, high-return investments. Nobody understands these things. Maybe not even the people who created them.

According to Bad Money, our GDP is now made up in significant part (20%) by "financial services." It's the single largest sector of the private economy. These things aren't real. You can't see them or touch them. They're just ways of packaging up debt and credit. Mostly debt.

Who provides the "financial services"? Banks. Run by investment bankers. Smart investment bankers. Some who probably have a really good idea how markets work, and just what would happen if a certain sequence of events occurred to a certain company like Bear Stearns.

Bear tanked, and though JP Morgan bought the remains, it was a shotgun wedding with the Fed holding the shotgun in one hand and a Bible in the other. You can bet that the American taxpayer is going to wind up picking up the tab. The same thing is happening to Freddie and Fannie, and you-know-who is going to get stuck with the bill again.

Maybe these catastrophic failures are just accidents-- unintended and unforeseen. Or maybe not. I don't know, but I think it's worth asking, "Cui bono?"

Two movies that surprised me

My frist two rentals from Netflix were The Kingdom and 28 Days Later. I won't summarize the plots here because you can just go to imdb or Rotten Tomatoes and take care of that. But I will say that they were both very good movies. Surprisingly so.

I'd seen trailers for The Kingdom back when it was in theaters, but even though the idea of seeing Jennifer Garner shoot it out with terrorists was intriguing, I never bothered to go see it. Netflix featured it prominently in its custom recommendations for me (good on you, Netflix), so I picket it up. I was expecting an action/intrigue type of thing but instead found myself watching a smart "buddy film" with characters I cared about and a story arc that not only moved me but made me think.

28 Days Later also made me think. I was expecting a mindless zombie flick (which I enjoy for reasons I don't even understand, myself). But what I got there was a visually mind-blowing film with good acting, interesting characters going through multiple arcs, and a suprising and satisfying plot twist. I watched the film, then I stayed up late to watch it again with commentary from the director and the writer. Good stuff!

Too bad 28 Weeks Later wasn't nearly as good in comparison.

Freedom from Cable TV

I recently cancelled my cable TV subscription. Here's why:

• After seeing the quality Michael was getting at his house via an HDTV antenna, I pulled the trigger. I bought a small antenna from AntennasDirect and set it up in a window in the TV room. I didn't even have to mount it on the roof. I get the big networks as well as PBS is lovely HD. After paying for TV for decades, it's hard to believe I can get this stuff for free.
• Technology has finally reached the point where I can get the shows I want a-la-carte through distribution means other than cable TV. The only TV shows we care about are Battlestar Galactica (which is in its last season) and House, and even House we could do without. We also like to get PBS shows for the kids. Even so, I'm usually open to checking out something new and good, and I don't mind being a season or two or three behind. With complete seasons of TV shows like Stargate, Sopranos, etc. all on DVD I still have access to the shows even though I don't get the cable networks.
• There's a neat (but still beta-quality) little app out there that lets me stream Netflix shows directly to my Xbox 360. This was a key feature for me because it opened up the whole a-la-carte TV thing without requiring me to pay for each episode individually. I'm also in a phase where I'm checking out movies from 5 - 10 years ago, which matches the "Watch Now" selection pretty well.

It's a small thing, but boy does it feel good to kiss those absurdely high-priced Comcast bills goodbye.