The End of Lies?

I have MPD, and so do I.

Ha ha.  Old joke, yes, but there’s a new twist.  I’m starting to think the age of personae is coming to an end, due largely to the fact that the Internet and social networks have made the world a smaller place.  The problem is that some of these networks are starting to overlap in a way that has never happened before.

When you’re in the context of a particular social network or circle, you behave a certain way.  You say things in one setting that you might not say in another.  This is the definition of the “social mask” or persona.  Here are a few of my personae:

1. (former) Microsoft manager
2. Creative Writer
3. Wannabe filmmaker
4. Super Daddy
5. Husband
6. Friend
7. facebook user
8. XBox Live player
9. Blogger
10. Anonymous Seattle-ite

There are others.  Depending on what social context I’m in I unconsciously slip into one of these personae.  So do you.  It is an effortless thing humans have been doing since we had human relations.  Lately, though, it’s been been getting harder.  I’ve had to place additional filters and checks on what I say.  Specifically, it’s getting harder to lie.  For this, I blame facebook.  I’m not talking about serious lies (at least not as far as you know).  I’m thinking more of the lies we tell that are “variations on the truth.” 

Here’s a really simple example.  For reasons I won’t go into, some people know me as “James” and others know me as “Jamie.”  When I introduce myself, I call myself one or the other depending on a complex set of heuristics that even I don’t fully comprehend.  I’ve been doing this for the better part of 15 years and the only time it’s caused confusion was when someone I met in one social context transitioned into another (e.g. co-worker to friend). 

Lately, though, there’s been an explosion of confusion as people I have met in various social contexts have become my facebook friends.  Usually what happens is someone on facebook will refer to me as “Jamie”, causing someone who has only ever known me as “James” to do a double-take.  Then that person starts calling me “Jamie” in a social context where I am known as “James” and pretty soon I got a lot of ‘splainin to do! 

A more unsettling example has to do with my recent change of employment status.  Again, variations on the truth.  In some social contexts, it’s enough to say I was laid off.  In others, though, I feel it’s more appropriate to avoid the stigma of saying “laid off” and just say “I left Microsoft.”  Which is true?  Well, both.  I might not mind one of my friends knowing those details, but it’s something I’d rather not discuss with, say, my mortgage broker (hope you’re not reading this, Kathy!).

Maybe this is all for the best.  Maybe it’s a good thing to do away with all our personae in favor of sharing our “true selves” with all our social circles.  It’s risky, though, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.  Do I really want a prospective employer checking out my profile and learning how much I <heart> kittens and Battlestar Galactica?  Of course I could just abandon facebook and go back to the old ways, but there’s a lot of benefit in keeping up with your friends and acquaintances.  For now, I’ll just see if I can be a little more… consistent in my interpretations of “the truth”.

More Than This

I've been thinking about Life lately.

Though it's true I've had some extra time on my hands since Train Simulator 2 was cancelled, it's not simply an effort to fill the spaces between gazing upon my navel and crushing boxes of Thin Mints. See, I've been job hunting-- something I've only had to do twice in my life-- and I've discovered that there are an awful lot of jobs out there I have no interest in doing.

Before I come off sounding like a patrician snob turning my nose up at jobs best left to the unwashed masses, I should establish a couple of parameters. I am an extremely fortunate individual for reasons too many to enumerate, but I'll pick off a few:

• I was born and live in the United States where, despite the massive economic stinkpit we're currently in, people have a leg up over our fellow humans in say, Darfur.
• I did well in school and have never struggled to learn new things.
• My parents provided a nurturing environment for my childhood, then paid for my Ivy League education.
• My "trade" is software development, and my services have been in demand for my entire working career.
• I am relatively healthy and well-off.
• My wife works for Microsoft and earns an enviable wage for her efforts.

Like I said, there are others, but at some point it sounds less like disclaiming and more like bragging, so I'll stop there. The point is I want to talk about self-actualization-- what some people think of as the tip Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, way above food, water, shelter, and dignity.

Back to job hunting. I been working in the computer game industry for the last few years. Computer games are something I enjoy immensely. Always have. Working on computer games is actually more fun than playing them because there is tremendous satisfaction in being the wizard behind the veil who makes the magic happen. Where a game player sees his character jumping onto a platform or a ship exploding into brilliant particles of light, I see the math behind the calculation of the power curve of the jump or the team effort that it took to bring together art, sound, light, and code to make the thing go boom. I love(d) what I do did.

So when Microsoft informed me that my studio was being shuttered and everyone in it laid off, I wasn't worried. I knew there were other opportunities to work on games in Seattle, either inside Microsoft or without. I wanted to continue serving in the same kind of leadership position I'd had on Train Simulator, where I was the Lead Engineer, not because I thought I somehow deserved it but rather because I know myself well enough to know I'm a better leader and manager than I am a coder.

I interviewed for several jobs, three of which I wanted and would have enjoyed doing, and two I didn't really want but felt like I should do as a hedge against unemployment. Some groups I eschewed entirely because they weren’t in games or they didn’t look like teams I would gel with. I didn't get an offer for any of the three I wanted, and I turned down the two "safety jobs".

Monday I handed in my Microsoft badge. I am officially unemployed. Laid off. I am also at a crossroads. One part of me looks at my current status and sees freedom-- freedom to do the things I couldn't do when I was committed to working for one company on one product of someone else's vision. Freedom to make a silly game or a serious game or a short film; freedom to try my hand at another startup; freedom to completely redefine who I am and what I do for a living. The other part of me misses the substantial income and the freedom that it offers. These are difficult times. Who in their right mind would voluntarily forgo a high-paid, steady job when there's so much uncertainty out there? Time enough for self-actualization when the kids have graduated from college. Right?

Maybe.

My parents both died when they were young, from things that could easily be hereditary. So when I think about my life span I don’t think about retiring at 60 or 70 then enjoying another 20 or 30 “golden years.” I feel like I’ll be lucky to if I make it to 50. The clock is ticking and it’s getting louder every day.

For better or worse, I’m not someone who believes in God and Heaven and all that. Frankly, I wish I did because it would provide some comforting answers to a number of difficult questions I have. I also don’t believe that there has to be any intrinsic meaning to our existence. No Master Plan. No fate. Nada. We’re born. We do stuff. We die. Beginning, middle, end.

So, I’m an existential Nihilist, then. Yes?

Not quite. While I don’t believe your life is imbued with meaning due to its mere existence, I think we have the opportunity to create our own meaning through our choices. Some simple, like whether to be kind or mean to someone who wrongs us. Others more complex, like whether to exchange your life for wages at a job that you don’t love. How cheaply are you willing to sell yourself? Will you turn a trick for an easy payout, or do you choose the more difficult and risky journey of seeking your muse then following her to the ends of the earth?

I honestly don’t know how I will answer that question. I’ve just been cast out from the gilded castle, with a sizeable severance in my pocket and lofty goals in my mind. I have yet to take a single step on that journey to follow my muse. Maybe it’ll be a quick trip that takes me right back to making games. Maybe it’ll be something else entirely. Who knows? I certainly don’t, and it would be foolish of me to claim otherwise. I don’t know what it’s like to be truly hungry or destitute. I don’t know how my feelings as a provider for my family will overpower my desire for self-actualization. I don’t know what “my price” is.

One thing I know is this. Nobody on their death bed ever said they wished they’d spent more time in front of a computer screen.

Just what I was looking for

Nick dug this up. It's a regularly-updated list of programming languages, ranked by popularity.

http://www.tiobe.com/index.php/content/paperinfo/tpci/index.html

Winds of change

They're a-blowin', but I don't know where they're a-going yet. I'm not ready to write the next chapter for what happened to me professionally after Aces was shut down.

I do, however, want to give a huge "thank you!" to Ron Moore for re-imagining Battlestar Galactica, then doing an incredible job of writing and producing some of the best TV I've ever seen. There are only three episodes left and I feel like I'm about to say goodbye to an old friend.

I can only hope smoking and drinking don't kill Moore before he comes out with something new...